Roller Coaster

I'm back on that roller coaster of emotions again.  About 5 weeks ago we found out we were expecting again.  Ben and I were beyond thrilled.  We had been trying for several months and this was the last month that I planned to try.  (I'm creeping up on my 35th birthday and the spacing of my children is getting farther and farther apart.)  So, when we got a positive test we both were so excited.  A week or so later I emailed the wonderful doctor that did my last D&C and told him our good news.  I also asked him if I would be able to get an ultrasound during my first appointment.  I was so paranoid that I was going to miscarry again.  These last few weeks I have been living in a state of paranoia that I have not experienced before.  He agreed.....

That takes us to yesterday.  I had my first appointment at 8.1 weeks.  Ben was in TN at a meeting.  When I found out that I scheduled my appointment while Ben was going to be in TN I considered canceling it and rescheduling, but decided I could not wait any longer to see that little heart beating.  I had to know that everything was okay.  I was very lucky to have my friend Denise with me yesterday.

The doctor wheeled a big OLD ultrasound machine into the room.  He started the ultrasound but I could immediately tell that he was concerned.  He then had the nurse go get the ultrasound tech.  She came in and they quietly analyzed what they were seeing.  After another few moments he asked her, "So there are two?"  She said, "Yes."  (Okay, now twins was NOT in my plan,  but I immediately prayed, "Lord, PLEASE make them okay.")  After measuring them they were 6 weeks 2 days in measurement.  (Two weeks off.)  They did not see a heartbeat.  They decided to take me to the ultrasound room so she could scan me on her big machine.  I redressed.  At this point I was not feeling very positive.  I knew my dates and the babies were not measuring correctly.

We then moved to the other room.  The tech got a much better look at everything.  Sure enough there were two fetal poles, but she was unable to pick up a heart beat on either.  Even if they were only 6 weeks 2 days old,  she said she would be able to see a heartbeat.

So where we are at now:  the doctor wanted to take the conservative approach and wait another week to do an ultrasound to make sure there isn't any activity.  I agreed.  So we wait.  I am very sure (as is he) that we will have the same result next week.....and then I will most likely schedule a D&C.  I don't think I have it in me to wait around......then go through the natural process.

I'm sad.  Ben's sad.  Luckily we didn't tell the girls this time.  So they are oblivious.  I am handling it better than last time.  I was more prepared for the outcome this time.  I guess 4 (or 5 in this case) children are not in our future.

Please keep Ben and me in your prayers.